The Lesson Of The Thousand Dollar Suit

I want the money, money and the cars,

Cars and the clothes, the hoes I suppose,

I just wanna be, I just wanna be successful.

–Drake, Successful

I noticed that my boss gets to the office very early.  I also know, or have at least heard of, several other successful people who wake up and arrive at their jobs earlier than the other people in their office. So when I set out to be more successful at my job, I wanted to imitate what my boss and others do, and get into the office earlier.  No, getting to the office early won’t make me successful by itself, but I’ve noticed that it goes hand in hand with other positive benefits in my life, so I feel fine imitating it as one of my ways to achieve “success.”

I also noticed that my boss wears a suit every day to the office.  So I also wear a suit to the office every day, even though it’s not required for someone in my position.  We’ve all heard the maxim “dress for the job you want, not the job you have.”  It makes sense to me on an intellectual level, so I always wear a suit.

What about the “niceness” of the suit?  I thought my boss’s suits looked nice, more expensive than mine.  So I decided to buy what I thought were some nice suits – dropped a good chunk of change on some, too.  Months after I spent good money on a suit it occurred to me to ask him where he got his suits.  Turns out he does what I had been doing before – drive to the outlet mall, buy a suit on sale, and then have it tailored so it fits better.  My boss wasn’t buying more expensive suits, I just thought he did.  Rather than finding out for sure what made my boss more successful, I assumed I knew, and then acted on my assumptions.

It’s the old puzzle of correlation versus causation.  We all want to be successful. We look at people we consider successful and see a list of attributes.  Many successful people may be well groomed, drive nice cars, work hard, live in nice houses, be married, have strong personalities, be extroverted, wake up early, eat at nice restaurants, and yes, wear nice suits.  But are these attributes predictors of success?  Is having those attributes success itself?  Or are those things just symbols of success?

Looking at that previous list, it may seem easy to pick out the things that are simply symbols of success and what things actually help people achieve success.  But people’s lives don’t reflect that the decision is so easy.

Since “success” is so hard to define, people can’t just go after “success.”  They have to go after something that they think represents success.  You have to go after whatever you believe symbolizes success.  For many, many people, that’s being rich.  And most rich people, at least so we think, have a nice house and a nice car.  So people aim to have a nice house and a nice car, regardless of whether that fits their true definition of success. People are living in 5000 square foot homes and driving luxury cars, while living paycheck to paycheck.  That’s not success.  That’s confusing the symbols of success with success itself.  That’s confusing the substantive goal with the symbolic goal.  That’s buying a really expensive suit.

Before you judge, realize that this is something we all do to a different degree.  We are all chasing symbols of our own definition of success.  Even with goals worth having, the goal itself is usually symbolic.  If your goal is to get in better shape, you’re likely to pick a certain weight or body fat percentage you want to reach.  The true desired result is to be in better health: to live longer, to have the energy to enjoy life longer, to be able to run with your children, etc.  But your goal is to hit 120 pounds on the scale or fit in a size 4 dress.  The numbers you’ve chosen are arbitrary – there’s nothing about 120 pounds that makes you objectively healthier than someone who is 130, that’s just the symbol of health you’ve chosen to chase.

People can chase symbolic goals their whole life without realizing it.  When someone hits a symbolic goal after a long struggle to get there, it can be disillusioning.  Hitting a symbolic goal doesn’t bring the feeling of success you want, because it’s the journey, not the destination, that is important.  It’s your direction, not your position, that counts. If you’ve spent the past decade trying to become a millionaire, will you be happy when you get there?  Probably not.  Nothing changes magically when you hit a million dollars, or 120 pounds, or a size 4 dress, or a wardrobe full of thousand dollar suits.  It’s the “why” behind each of those goals that matters.

Look at yourself.  What symbolic goals are you chasing?  I’m not saying that they’re bad, but at least recognize that it is a symbol, not the underlying goal.  Take a step back and see what your substantive goal actually is.  Don’t just end up with a thousand dollar suit.

The Kiddie Table

The kiddie table.  The table where you thought you were too old to sit, but your parents still made you sit there anyway.  The table away from where the beautiful brown turkey and fixing were placed, because nothing is served on the kiddie table.  The table where you waited until a grown up “made your plate.”

Remember it?  Good.

Now let’s fast forward to today.  If you are still sitting at the kiddie table of life, get the hell up and pull up a seat to grown-ups table.  We need to talk.

While I’m sure we all think we left the kiddie table very early in our lives, most of us take a while before we leave it for good.  We do childish things much later in life than we expect.  We get caught up too often in the moments of selfishness. We allow others to set the plate of our life’s expectations in front of us to consume, without voicing what we want to be served. The truth is many of us are still kiddie table bound.

I remember the day I moved from sitting at the kiddie table for good.  It wasn’t that long ago.

It happened after a profound conversation with my wife (then fiancée at the time).  We were talking about our relationship.  My wife and I have lived in different cities for the first four years of our relationship.  We have never spent more than two weeks in the same place with each other.  We definitely love each other more because of it, but it was a difficult thing to deal with.  For those four years, we made a conscious decision to be apart and for the first time my wife told me that sometimes she regretted that we missed spending the end of our twenties together.  The revelation hit me like a ton of bricks.

We were both attorneys and practicing law in different cities.  We were both well established and I think that played a part.  I know I thought “we have forever to be together” or “we need to make money, so neither of us can go to the other’s city without a job.”  We made a trade-off.  For me, fear, selfishness and compliancy played too much of a role.  We both had great careers and money to spend flying back and forth to see each other, but what we missed out on was what the other loved to do on a Wednesday.  The early morning routines we both enjoyed.  The “sick calls” we both make to spend the day with each other.  This conversation was when I realized being a grown up is feeling confused, unsure and conflicted and still making the difficult choice.  It was that day I started actively planning my move to New York where she lived and the day I truly put our relationship before everything.

I could have blamed the economy, timing or even my wife for what had transpired, for the time I had missed.  But life at the grown-up table is about trade-offs.  It is about unfairness, challenges and sacrifice.  It is about being thankful for what you have and fighting for what you want.  It is about people and not just things.  I am more thankful for my wife than anything.  What person are you thankful for?  Have you made grown-up choices when it comes to that person?  Have you even loved yourself enough to make grown-up choices for your own betterment?

Well if not, Thanksgiving is a perfect day to start.  Give thanks for another day to make a change, and most importantly, the people who will help you change.  If you ask me, the kiddie table is crowded and no longer suits you.  I have a seat at the grown-ups table, I hope you will join.

Special thanks for the best brothers-in-arms I could ever ask for.  Happy Thanksgiving David, Darron, Aaron, Mike and Broderick.

Warren Buffett Can Suck It

Warren Buffet is the 2nd richest man in the world. For many, his views and opinions and  farts are followed with the same reverence reserved for holy men like the Dali Llama. His nickname is even the sage of Omaha. But is Warren a sage?

There was a time when I was a disciple of the church of Buffet. During my Sophomore year in college, racing towards an inevitable career in fiance, I breathed Warren. I read Munger. I aped Berkshire Hathaway’s annual report. I was a Stan*.

I wanted to be the Black Warren Buffet. I was going to buy furniture stores from little old ladies with a smile and pennies on the dollar. I was going to invest in McDonald and Coca-Cola and Insurance companies; the American dream would be mine. I absorbed every bit of the Warren mystique, and in October of that year, I got my chance to finally meet the man in person.

Warren Buffet was coming to campus.

I told everyone. I joined the planning committee. I convinced the Black Student Alliance to cosponsor the event so I could guarantee my self a good seat. My crew (cult) of Buffet followers were the first in line and sat in the front row. We were ready to receive the sage.

During the speech I gorged on Mr. Buffets words. I can still remember the underpinnings of his speech a decade later which was simple, “All business deals are based on trust. Guard your integrity, Don’t lose money, and you’ll be fine.”

When the speech was over Warren asked the audience if they had any questions. My hand shot up before he finished the word question.

“Yes, you in the front, what’s your  question?” asked Warren.

“If you were me, and you saved $7000 working summers and doing odd jobs (i had) what would you invest in? What would you do?”

Warren looked me up and down. Before I get to his reply you should know this, I’m a 6’6″ Black Man. And now the punch line…

Warren snickers, “Well son, If I were you I’d play basketball,” I winced. “or football.” I died. a. little.

That was it?
That was the great advice from my hero?
Learn to shoot a jump shot?
Catch a football?
Really?

That was the last time I ever worshipped a false idol, and the first time I realized that my hero’s were human beings too.  Warren was just another old man who saw a young black boy as a stereotype and not a numbers nerd who just wanted to make it big like he did. It’s tough to see other people as people and not as your assumptions about them. So I ask, all ten readers (I kid) of this blog to drop the hero worship. Stop trying to be like Warren, or Mark, or Bill, or Barack, and just be your damn self. And when you do make it, and a little naive kids asks you a question, remember that  he sees you for more than who you are.

Strength Versus Power

Hercules…Hercules!!

Just because you can mold Play-Doh into a Michelangelo replica, doesn’t make it a masterpiece. Are you simply creating a façade of a real accomplishment to stroke your ego?

 I was working out with my trainer recently. We talked during my “voluntary torture.” This conversation hit me with a burden more significant than the weights I was lifting. I mentioned that I used to work out with guys twice my size, monstrous compared to my docile-looking frame. I’m focused on my conditioning and pushing for perfection while putting on the size of my workout partners. What I realized during this particular session was I was unknowingly on the right course in my physical transformation, and that transformation could be translated to other parts of my life.

The trainer pushed me through a concoction of pushups, inclined and declined chest exercises, and cable presses. I noticed a group of guys working out and acknowledged that I was impressed by how much they could life. My trainer , however, broke down their strategy from the past 3-4 months. He told me that these guys came in daily to lift stacks and stacks of weights, to moan and groan like cavemen, just to feel like they were becoming stronger. He then mentioned he challenged the same guys to a competition consisting of extensive pull-up routines or some other exercises and the vast majority of them failed miserably. They looked great during the first couple of repetitions and then quickly fizzled out from there. Their downfall was the lack of stamina, which became their greatest adversary. At this time my trainer explained why he focused his training efforts on muscle development and building core strength, which lead him and his clients to outperforming others, even those that look physically superior at first glance. The point he made was often times people spend tons of time working out in the gym to create a monstrous physique that impresses many. The problem lies in the fact that the overwhelming majority is not focused on true training and actually does themselves a disservice in the end through a lack of focus. The image they presented resulted in a bit of a rude awakening for everyone when put to the test. So ask yourself: are you training for strength or are you training for power?

The concept of power is something that resonates in our minds as a representation of control, authority, and a commanding of respect. Look at things like college football rankings, which are based on the strength of team schedules. Even going back through history and viewing countries around the globe that were categorized as superpowers you see the difference between them and all of the other countries in existence. Superpowers were defined by the strength of their military forces and respective economies. Are you a superpower or just a great point of comparison to validate someone else?

Are you a superstar or are you just up against subpar competition? Do you repeatedly put yourself in situations where the spotlight is on you, just so you can stand out against weaker opponents? If so, stop underachieving! What are you doing to better yourself daily? What are you doing to grow? What are you doing to improve your work-life, home-life, family-life, etc., over the course of your lifetime? Are you focused solely on creating an image to those around that is perfectly hollow at best? Stop thinking short-term and build your mental muscle to maximize your greatness for the sake of longevity and the ability to withstand whatever tests are thrown your way.

One of the greatest fears I have is to create an image to others of a “Power lifter” in relation to my life, when in actuality I lack the endurance and stamina to make a real impact. None of us want to be in that meeting or presentation where we stumble through it after convincing others we are incredible at what we do. Whether we want to believe it or not you, power is short-lived and amazing only at a given moment in time. If you have never done 100 sit-ups, get down and power your way through them without stopping. Having trouble? Real shocker, so am I. It’s not an easy task, nor is it something that can be accomplished without two key elements: preparation and strength. Strength is consistent and can only diminish over a significant amount of time if you are no longer committed to developing it. Winners of “American Idol” earn the crown by singing, not humming their way to the finish line.

Stop looking for shortcuts. Commit to an end goal and push beyond the point of completion. Go for sustainability because that’s where you win!

What I Learned From Tiger Woods (no, not how to cheat)

Life is like golf.  Or the second shot off the tee, more accurately.  You can end up on the green, a putt or two from the hole.  You could be in the fairway, with the prize close in sight.  Or you could be in the rough, a bunker, or a sand trap with no idea how you’ll make it to the end goal.  And you’re not allowed to just pick up your ball and move it to where you have a better view – you have to play the ball where it lies.

It’s trendy to come up with a big group responsible for all our problems.  With the global economy in the toilet, everyone has someone they need to blame.  People can blame government (too big), banks (too big to fail), or corporations (too big to be a person), but whichever one you choose, there is plenty of blame to go around.  While I am sympathetic to some of these people’s causes, I’m cautious not to pretend I have all the answers for society’s ills.  If I’m focusing too much on the big group, I’m not focusing enough on where the blame is more likely to lie for my individual struggles: me.  The bank didn’t make me take out that subprime mortgage.  Government didn’t make skip saving for retirement and count on social security.

Life ain’t fair.  And just like blaming a big group far away from your original decisions, we likewise sabotage ourselves when we come up with a one-person anecdote of why.  You can decide that if someone else doesn’t have to act a certain way, you won’t either ala “Ellen can eat McDonalds every day and stay skinny.”  Or you can face up to the fact that you have a slower metabolism, and accept you may always have to restrict your eating twice as much as Ellen for the same figure.  If you choose blame the situation instead of yourself, you’re more likely to give up and copy Ellen, even if it sabotages the original goal.  That’s like saying “The universe screwed me,” and deciding to punish yourself by making it worse.  Why take revenge on yourself?

Alternatively, you could come up with a one-person anecdote that makes you behave in a way consistent with your goals.  If someone on The Biggest Loser twice your size can get down to an acceptable size and weight, certainly you can do it.  If someone from a disadvantaged neighborhood with poor formal education can start a successful company, why couldn’t you do the same with your college degree?  Instead of looking at people more successful than you and complaining about the advantages that helped them get there, how about looking at the people who made it with less?  How about focusing on what you can do, and making the most of that?

I was born with significantly less height than would be ideal for a basketball player.  I’m way more Muggsy Boggs than Manute Bol.  And I’ve always loved basketball.  Playing, watching, playing basketball video games, watching other people play basketball video games.  But in real life, getting that ball through the rim was harder from my (ahem) “distance.”  When the junior high basketball coach asked me during tryouts if I was left-handed (I’m not) my NBA dreams disappeared.  I could be salty about my god-given height, or I could accept it for what it was and move on from there.  I found other physical activities to get into where being above 5’7 was not a priority.  I even found a couple things like dancing and brazilian jiujitsu where being short could be an advantage.

What is the best choice from where you currently stand?  That’s a hard question to answer without the proper perspective. When you’re still angry about your tee shot, it’s hard to focus on what will get you to the hole.  It is easy to dwell on things that happened in the past that make your current position unfair.  It’s natural to imagine where you’d be if you had someone else’s advantages in life.  While you’re busy trying to decide who to blame though, you could be moving forward from where you are.  When I find myself lamenting the position I’m currently in, I try to ask myself “What is the best thing I could do from here?”  Sometimes I realize that what I thought was a devastating circumstance is just a minor setback.  Sometimes things really are bad and it is a matter of minimizing the damage that I’ve put myself in.  But when I step back and look at the situation from that perspective, I can at least keep myself from making a bad situation worse.

I call it my “Scott Bakula Life Theory.”  I’m sure I’ve dated myself, so I’ll explain.  Scott Bakula used to star on a TV show called “Quantum Leap” where he played a physicist lost in time following a time-travel experiment gone awry.  Bakula would get thrown into someone else’s body just before seminal moment in their life and would have to make crucial decisions to set things right.  He had no knowledge about his host body’s life other than what he learned after taking over their brain. Bakula’s job was to make the right decisions, given where he ended up, no matter the situation.  Once he made the decisions that put that person’s life back on course, he was transferred to a new body in a new time. If it helps, pretend you’re Scott Bakula. Pretend you didn’t even create the mess you’re in – you’re only there to fix it before moving on to another life.  Be a Bakula.

It’s sad to see someone with tons of potential complain about the cards they were dealt. You don’t have control over everything and bad things will happen. You can’t always choose your position, but you can choose your direction.  Each decision you make is like a golf swing.  You may not have chosen how you ended up there, and you may not like it, but you can only control what happens next.  Life may drop your golf ball in the fairway, but it could also start you in the rough.  You must play the ball where it lies.