Can’t Step in Love (Part 1 of 2)

I don’t understand why most people believe they have any control over love. I’ll hear single people who are busy with school or careers say they can’t create time for love. People also talk about making love with a person that they like or care deeply about. Finally, a person may say that they’ve lost love if the relationship ends. People also casually announce and try to own love in their day to day lives. You’ll hear people say, “I love this restaurant,” “I love this show,” or “I love this song.” I do understand that there are degrees or levels of love. The love you have for your favorite snack may not be as intense as the love you have for your soul mate. However, all varying degrees of love start with a misleading sense of control and even ownership by the individual. There is no “I” in love. You don’t have the power to control any aspect of love. Nobody can create time for, make, or even lose love. Love is not linear. Love is not yours. Love is an infinite state of completeness that some people are lucky enough to fully realize and experience. You love something because it provides the gateway to your sense of being whole or complete. Experiencing this completeness takes over and controls us- no matter how we choose to deal with it. You can choose to have sex, but you can’t choose to make love. You can choose who you marry, but you can’t choose the love of your life or the person you’re spiritually connected to. You can pick a career or job, but you can’t choose the one thing you naturally love to do. We can control our choices or how we try to manipulate, handle, and manage love. But in no way can we truly control the state of love or what completes us. That is why we call it “falling” in love. There are no decisions or control in a fall. There is no stepping in love.

The first step towards understanding the dynamic of trying to control love is noticing the difference between desire and love. Desire is a want. Desire is a choice. We desire things as humans because they make us happy. Love is completely different than desire. Love (or a passion) is innate. It is genetically linked to what defines you as a person. For example: a lot of people say that they love or have a passion for traveling. Therefore, they want to visit some place every year. A person may think to themselves, “Oh I would love to visit France, Egypt, or Italy.” You consciously say how much you love these places, and that your passion is traveling. But let me ask you this? How often do you keep up with the political landscape of France, Egypt, or Italy? Have you been studying their respective eating habits and culinary cultures? Have you studied their various languages? Have you donated money or volunteered time to help defeat the political problems that plague these areas? No, you haven’t. You’re going to Google some interesting places to eat, nice museums to visit, and different words to learn. Most likely you will have a great time during your visit. You might even go back a few times. However, there is no incessant or constant force that attracts you to these specific places. You are not emotionally engulfed in their cultures or ideology. The places that you are visiting are objects of your desire. The destinations are manifestations of what you want. You would not be happy if you traveled to the same destination every single year. The locations or destinations would be inconsequential if traveling was your true love. That’s why traveling isn’t your true love. Traveling is your desire. Traveling is how you choose to express your true love. Your true love or passion is the experience of going somewhere new and learning about foreign people, places, and things. The experience is your love. The love of experiencing and discovering new cultures is what you were born with. Learning about new people and places even subconsciously helps you define or complete yourself. You were born with this love. You can choose to travel and make this love come to fruition, but you can’t choose your deeply rooted love for exploration. There are choices with desire, but no choices with what we love.

We can look at relationships and marriage to further examine the separation between choosing a desire versus falling in love. It is safe to say that most people have one person that they love more than anybody else. It is also safe to say that everyone doesn’t get to be in a relationship or marry this one person. Think of this this way: relationships and marriages are calculated steps that we take to obtain and keep the people we covet. The logic is that I like this person, so I want to keep them as a part of my life. Therefore, we create these monogamous bonds that reflect our inner desires to be with this one person. This connection or bond represents the purity of love. We didn’t choose to have these feelings for this person. We also have no control over them. However, the irony of nature is that the people we love aren’t necessarily right for us. You might love an independent woman, but get frustrated when she always challenges or argues with you. You might love a man who’s extremely good looking, but you get upset when other women flirt or hit on him. People have a tendency to admire a trait in a person, but subconsciously try to control or change the very trait that they admire. Disagreements lead to arguments- which can lead to separation. You might move on to someone who’s not necessarily the love of your life, but who is more compatible with you. This is where you have the control. This is the choice you’re making to fulfill your desire for a relationship and even marriage. You are choosing to give up on the love of your life with the hope that you can be with someone compatible. The person that you’re more compatible with will most likely be ideal for a relationship and then marriage. You do love this person and you can’t deny the authenticity of the bond. However, they are the result of a choice you made. You made a choice to fulfill your desire to have a girlfriend or boyfriend. You made a choice to give up waiting and fighting for “the one.” You made a choice to get married. I do admit that people can change and outgrow each other, but this is another choice. Not everyone is strong enough to fight their loves and passions (even if it makes them a better person in the end). Unfortunately, the person that you love the most will not always reciprocate that love. Ideally we all want to fall in love with our “soul mate” and then marry them. But this isn’t an ideal world. Therefore, we have to make decisions or choices that get us as close to our ideals as possible. The second you make a choice is the second you’re not in love. There is a choice in how we deal with love, but no choice in who we fall in love with. You can step into a marriage, but you can’t choose the person you fall in love with. We hope that we’re lucky enough to marry the love of our life, but a lot of times we’re not. Either way- we are tinkering with the balance between choosing a desire for a relationship versus falling helplessly in love. Choice and love are not mutually exclusive. You can step into a choice, but you can’t step into love.